Is That Lube?

And other questions you don't want to ask at work

I’m not a germaphobe, and I’m not a vegetarian. But I get the idea of each one, and if I were a better and more organized person, I might be able to commit to both.

I see the point of both lifestyles, and I agree that each of them is a proper and just reaction to the world as it is. Eating meat is cruel, inefficient, relatively unhealthy, and somewhat gross. And we live in a litter box of disgusting fluids and pollutants that we’re way too casual about too often.

I still eat cow (I am not proud) and I amble through this filthy life relatively unbothered by germs and goop, in much the same way that I don’t worry about the petrified geodes of food that have fallen under the stove. When I’m forced to reckon with those hard carrot chunks and dust-mummied pretzel sticks every springtime, I’ll be properly revulsed, but if I’m to function as a taxpaying adult who cooks food and eats it, my brain needs a shutoff valve capable of ignoring horrors lurking four feet under my favorite burner.