The Uncanny Bally

An ode to the game system that thought it was a computer, or vice versa

The Bally Computer System with its weird paddle-joystick-squirt gun controllers and the smoked plastic lid on the back tray that stores your cartridges.

When you’re a kid and other people have stuff you don’t, the memories of those people indelibly become part of your lore about those things.  Uncle Greg and Aunt Joan had a TI 99/4A computer.  Dad’s drunk friend Wink had an Odyssey 2 game system, complete with its weird Lord of the Rings knockoff that had a game board as well as a cartridge.  And Dad’s girlfriend’s sister, “Aunt” Susie, had a Bally Astrocade.

The first time I played Artillery Duel, and the little stick figures marched out onto the playfield, I lost my shit.  And when one of them missed turning in formation, and had to run to catch up to his brothers in arms before they went over the hill and erected their gun… I was totally hooked.  This was some 1981 cutscene magic.

It took an embarrassing amount of time to get this screengrab at all, so you’ll have to trust me that that’s a little green soldier hightailing it to get back into formation.